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between waking and sleep

numb and thick tongued...how to turn off the big brain? i wonder what's the difference between medication and meditation.  i remember seeing a documentary on people with epilepsy who experience almost hallucinogenic awe...the golden buzzing glow. thing is as soon as they're placed on medication intended to alleviate the seizures many slump into a dulled depression, the fireworks stop, the colors dim, the visions cease replaced by a steady hum hum hum. the hum of ordinary-ness. and isn't that what i'm afraid of? i'm not going to include you reader, i wouldn't presume that you're a wily maverick always kickin' against the pricks, always shifting course..exploring, circling, wandering.

and meditation, will it blunt my sharp edges, my quirky jerks and rambling? will it speak sweet peace to the angry woman living inside me. the woman who surprises me with her rage and disappointment, still sad as i peel away the failed attempts at everything. 

these are my thoughts as i lie staring at my new lamp in an empty room as kitties swirl about my head. is this middle age?


know what i'd like right about now? a storm, a thunderstorm and windows open rain lashing and thunder blasting in warm humid air that breathed and swirled about my sleepy head as i lie stomach down in thick white bedding-listening- the flashing dazzling my closed eyes. and i'd grow tired of half wakefulness and heavy with sleep to awake to lemon sun, chartreuse greens and damp freshness.
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