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ohhh the israelites

so what does mediocrity have to do with wandering? lack of clarity. that's my experience. 
sure, i can't control a car accident, that's why it's called an accident. but i could have better protected myself when i purchased this car which has become my big ass cry baby, so i either  love it or leave it. what i forgot to mention yesterday was my intention that no matter what my current living situation, this is my life and my experience. i can choke on it like sour grapes or i can gently massage it into a workable shape. 
part of me regrets so many  hazy decisions I've made mostly related to living in Chicago. the pattern is one of dismissal, dismissing myself, my utter worthiness because i believe such awful things about myself. I'm not smart enough, I'm not pretty enough, i don't have enough money, I'm too old, I don't do headstands, I'm not a child  prodigy, i didn't graduate from college although god knows I've spend plenty of money trying. basically I treat myself as if I'm not enough, period.

and I throw small pity parties for myself because I'm single or sometimes lonely. my friend gina and I often refer to the film, AN UNMARRIED WOMAN, that although it hasn't arrived via Netflix, I get the central theme. Rebuilding your life after the...move, abandonment, divorce, death of a loved one, financial ruin, addiction, war...all the above. it's about finding the strength and the goods inside yourself not only to rebuild but to believe. so whether you've been thrown down the stairs or you did it yourself, there is hope. i'm not going to pretend i always know how to get there but i have to remind myself of that I left Egypt and crossed the Red Sea for a reason.

I do want you to know this about Austin: for every crazed, odd, illegal, weird or downright stupid thing that has happened here I have been met by an angel of mercy each time. remember how the sheriff/constable found a car jack when my tire blew? and yesterday as i rode with the tow truck driver to the tire repair shop he made a phone call for me to find out about the Texas lemon-law-limitations and he gave me the name of a Volvo repair/parts shop if i decide to keep the car. 


"earth's crammed with heaven."-elizabeth barret browning-poet

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